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It's no surprise that I want a child. I've made that pretty clear to everyone who knows me. My reasons for wanting to be a mother are a mix of intangible and tangible ones, just like any other reasonable person. But that's not why I'm writing today.

I'm writing because I want to let out are my fears about being a parent. You see, I recently was let in on a theory that is most likely true - that my father suffered from bipolar disorder. This has not only thrown some light on my past relationship choices but it's also made me question my own capability for normalcy.

While I feel as though I'm a much-improved version of my parents, and I realize that no matter our intent, we necessarily put our offspring through trials and tribulations, some traumatic, most not, I still can't help but worry about how I'm going to affect a child that hasn't even been born yet.

I think about the fact that I didn't have very many normal experiences growing up and that those feelings and memories pop into my subconscious and conscious layers on a fairly regular basis. I used to believe that my upbringing was a result of being Korean, or at the very least Asian, but now it's become clear that it was less a product of my ethnicity, and more the result of having the particular parents I did. And while I love(d) both of them so very much and they had the best intentions for the most part, it doesn't really make up for the way my childhood progressed. Not being able to have friends over, not knowing what kind of mood my parents would be in, the feeling of being dominated - these are all things I want to change in my own home.

I'm not sure how I can ensure that I will be a sufficiently improved version of my parents, but I'm hoping that by being self-aware, I at least have a fighting chance. By talking about it and relying on my husband to tell me when I'm not being rational, I want to believe that my children will grow up in a healthy and happy home.
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The end of 2008 has been a mix of ups and downs for me.

Read more if you'd like a peek into the world of jinnyisms2 )
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i have to rein myself in. i've been spending way too much lately in an effort to feel something besides blahness. it has got to stop. the boy and i discussed my limits and i know i'll stick to it if he's holding me accountable. it's not going to be a cold turkey kind of thing, hence it's not a no-buy but a low-buy. the boy thinks i'm ridiculous but whatever - he'll deal with it.

speaking of which, i'm looking forward to spending the week between christmas and new year's with the boy. this past thanksgiving weekend really spoiled me and it made me realize that yes, this is the one i want to marry, and that yes, i really want to live with him. there was a brief scare where his parents may have interrupted our winter vacay, but thankfully they were convinced that it would be best for them to come to ny at a later time.

at the moment, i'm watching intervention on a&e. i have to admit. there is something about this show that just makes me feel better about myself. is that just sick? right now, it's a grad student who's both alcoholic and bulimic. freaking fascinating.

i've got to find more hobbies.
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in approximately one hour, i am to have dinner with my two partners, another associate, our expert and the client. i learned this approximately two hours ago. i hope i don't 1) do anything stupid, or 2) eat too much.

i don't want to eat too much because in approximately four hours, my brother will be landing at jfk and we are supposed to have dinner together (with my bf in attendance as well). and besides that, i am trying to avoid becoming a gray whale roaming the halls of my firm, looking for beaches to throw myself upon. i'm not there yet but it's impending.

becoming a gray whale is a possibility because i've been working too much and sleeping too little. same old story as before. my metabolism is shot, i have no idea what day it is most of the time, and i think my apartment is starting to smell a little.

it seems like everyone is swamped at the moment. is it the financial crash or is just because it's mid-september? either way, it's not going to stop me from attending the ATP festival this weekend. i will be listening to slightly known, noise-producing, indie (but don't call them indie) bands all weekend. should be fun.
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i just read an article about things you shouldn't say to As-Am's (like "Where are you from?" and "You speak English good.") and it reminded me of a funny story.

The boy and I bought bottled water to take on the cruise. It happened to be Fiji water. So, one day, we're sitting around with the boy's family and his aunt notices me drinking one of the bottled waters. She repeats the name to herself and then asks me... "Are you from there?"

I honestly didn't know what to say. My gut reaction was to be sarcastic because well, that's really one of the silliest questions I've gotten in a long time. So I tried to remind myself that she is from Florida and that I am trying to marry the boy. I just responded with "No" and left it at that.

I think the boy almost died from trying to keep the laughter inside. I hope the story gave you a laugh too.

(20 minutes left till my 3 day weekend.)
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I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait.

In less than one hour, I leave the office to start my vacation. Tonight we're going to a show (his band, but I kind of like them too, for once). Tomorrow morning, it's off to the airport. We fly to Rochester, visit with his grandparents for a bit, steal their car and head to Niagara.

CASINO! We may or may not enter a poker tournament. Tomorrow also marks the beginning of March Madness so I'll be carrying my brackets around too. Just excitement all over.

Then, Friday morning, we head to Toronto. Yay!!! He's very skeptical about the stuff we'll be able to do while there, but he knows we'll have a good time regardless. I just can't wait to get there. I love me some Canada. Ridiculous I know, but it's true.

Sunday, we head back to Rochester and have Easter Sunday dinner with grandparents (and maybe some other family?!). I am prepared for it and will be on my bestest behavior. I promise. :)

Fly back Monday morning and then we go to one of my shows that night. Return to the office on Tuesday to start working on some serious nucleotide/polypeptide action.
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Looks like I have a pretty good chance of making the cruise. It seems like our trial will only be for one week total, so I'm obviously very excited about this news. To help solidify my chances, I'm going to think positively by doing crunches and push-ups to prepare for a bathing suit, and I will ask my mom to pray for me (I like giving her little jobs like that).

Oh yeah, hoarder personality/work depression totally took over today. I ordered a crapload of games today, but at least none of them were very expensive. I really hope this nonsense ends soon. People are talking about adding 4 more depositions to my workload. 4!!!
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not of animals, but of video games. at least right now. the lip gloss/lotion hoarding is on hiatus. so of course, i had to take up something new. video games.

i've made a list of games i want to get. they're in my little notebook on my to do list. such a bad way to start. plus, the plans are still a go for getting a ds lite once my hell of a job slows down in two weeks. at least i hope it slows down. actually i hope it ends.


it's official that i can go on the cruise with my boy and his family to celebrate his sister's graduation. it's set for may 5. but i'm not sure if my case will be in trial or not. plus, i'm not sure if i'm going to stay on this case or not. so, i think i'm just going to go ahead and buy the ticket for the cruise and take the chance. as for the plane ticket, i'll just wait until march to get that. it means i won't be able to travel with my boy on the plane, but that's okay. i really really really want to go on this cruise dammit. it's to places i've never been and i just want to be part of the family. i hope it works out. *crossing fingers*

this past weekend, i met one of the boy's good friends who was visiting. he was really cool and i'm really glad i met him. i hope he liked me too. it's important to me that the boy's friends like me. ugh. i'm making myself sick with my sugary sweetness. :D
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it turns out work did not get better. it got much, much worse.

it's why i've been missing. for a while there, i was too depressed to do anything social (which included blogging and yelping) and then my mom and brother arrived in new york for the xmas visit.

in fact, they're still here. my mom is currently taking a nap after a long day of walking around and my brother is shopping for CDs while i sit in a starbucks because it has a wireless connection and i need to work. yup, you heard me. WORK. once again, i'm faced with the fact that i am not meant to be in a law firm. me needs to find something else to do.

but other than that, i suppose everything is good.

i just have to be careful not to let work depression seep into other parts of my life. for instance, i really need to see my boyfriend. hopefully tonight. i'm getting a little paranoid (admittedly, for no good reason) that we are doomed for failure. i even talked to him about it to help relieve the little voice in my head from screaming so loud. that helped for about 8 hours.

i know. i'm borderline psycho.
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well, and the turkey sniffles. cough, cough.

so, how did thanksgiving go? it went really really well. IT boy's family was a trip and they were super-nice to me. there were a few awkward moments on my end, but i think they were all in my head. and they've got quirks, but then again, who doesn't. i would be such a liar if i tried to say my family was even close to normal. ha ha.

IT boy and i also had some great talks before and during the trip and honestly, the talking just makes me love him more. he also made peanut butter cookies for me while at his parent's - which i found incredibly touching. :D

so, here's the breakdown of activities: turkey, post-turkey napping, boating, manatees, oyster bar, ICE at the gaylord palms resort, beach, chick-fil-a, tijuana flats hot sauce tasting, islands of adventure and universal studios.

you will notice - there was no mention of mickey. that was on purpose.

and i just want to add that my bf is the besterest. he didn't want to come over last night since i'm sick (and in quarantine) but he still dropped by my apartment and left a care package for me. it even had a wii game in it!

okay, back to work. cough, cough.
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I can't believe I leave tomorrow for Orlando. I've been feeling stressed about it (obv!). I really don't know what to expect, so I'm just hoping for the best. I think IT boy's mom is also a bit stressed, so we can experience it together.

I've been missing my IT boy as of late. I think these two trips were very back-to-back and there have been a whole lot of other parties/dinners/etc. going on, so we haven't really had our usual lazy down-time. And I'm starting to feel it. I just want to lay on the couch, comfortably, listening to his heart beat. Is that so wrong? This sense of needing to be doing something at all times has started to pervade our Orlando trip. It appears that the boy would like to fill up our days there to avoid having family follow us in whatever we're doing. In theory, that works, except that I absolutely hate big crowds at places like theme parks. Guess what Orlando is... That's right. It's one big mega-theme park. Sure, the theme parks might have different names and they might even be owned by different people, but, in the end, they're all part of the same scheme. The same, over-priced, family-oriented, crowd-inducing theme. AAAAHHH. Okay, I'll make it. But only barely.

In other news, I get to plan my first event! I'm very excited. I will be planning my IT department's holiday party. It will be small but I hope I can impress. Plus, I just want the practice of planning events so that someday, when I can finally free myself, I can go on to a possible event coordinator career. And if I stick with the boutique idea, I can plan my own fancy, special, media-grabbing events. Either way, it's a win-win for my future. At least I hope it is. Because I seriously can't do this job for much longer...
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The most exciting thing that's happened today involved me trying out these new 2-flavor doritos (buffalo wings and blue cheese).

Obviously, that means I'm back from California. The IT boy and I had a lovely time, although it was very very tiring. I am still trying to recover. Day 1 involved going to Google to see a friend and get a tour, and then hitting up a bunch of SF classic spots (Lombard St., COIT Tower, etc.). Day 2 was Monterey with the mom and brother. Then, that night the brother took us to a cool bar where we saw some SF classic music performances and fans (read: B.O. and body hair). Day 3 was more SF but it was really rainy so didn't get a whole lot done. Day 4 saw us going down to Hearst Castle. Day 5 was the highway 1 drive and a totally exhausting 2.5 mile hike (for a change in elevation of 1200 feet). I'm glad we did the hike but I can't walk in a straight line right now.

Now I'm back at my very frustrating job where I am treated like a red-headed stepchild. Fine.

Anyways, since this is my blog, I am going to get personal on ya.

Click for personalness )

ADD Time

Nov. 5th, 2007 04:52 pm
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Oh yeah, baby.  Going to California this Wednesday.  So I can't concentrate at all.  I'm like a 3 year old with a box of cookies.  Sure, I might play for a little while on the swing set, but I just keep coming back to the cookies.

IT boy is going to meet the momma.  He told some friends of ours this past weekend that he's a little nervous.  Hah!  Probably not as nervous as the momma.  My friends tried to reassure him that the momma is harmless and really cute. Which she is.  She's really freaking cute actually.  God, I love the momma.

And we're doing all kinds of California things while we're there - some of which I've never done before, like the night trip to Alcatraz.  Some of the things I just haven't done in a while, like going to Big Sur.  Should be awesome.

Oh yeah, I've got work to do....  OOOHHH SHINY!
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i had another excellent talk with my pre-bf last night (i'm getting quite good at these). and i finished a project today. and i had some amazing food for lunch. and it's my mom's birthday and she loves her present (garmin 340c). and i am totally falling into bliss. and it looks like someone will buy my old cell for $100.

those were in no particular order.

now if i could just get some sleep...

oh, also. pray for rain. if it rains, then i don't have to go to what will undoubtedly be a very awkward partner bbq tomorrow. oh dear supreme being, please let it rain. please, please, please.
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Got back on a red eye this morning. Needless to say, work was a bust. Ended up with an hour and a half of billing before leaving at 2. Ha ha ha.

Let's catch up. Last Tuesday, I went to a summer associate event and ended up being the last one standing. I drank for 10 hours! But I'm still alive. And the memories, oh, the memories...

Fourth of July consisted of waking up (still a little intoxicated) early enough to get to Coney Island to watch the devastating defeat of Kobayashi at the annual hot dog eating contest. But that is not to say that he didn't do work. He managed to beat the old record by eating 63 HDBs (hot dogs and buns) in 12 minutes, but Joey Chestnut scarfed down an impressive 66 HDBs. And, either way, I was a winner since Kobayashi had me with the Asian thing and Chestnut is from San Jose. I had to represent... South Bay! The rest of the day was nice and leisurely, ending with some tasty Rolo shots before napping, packing, and getting up in the middle of the night to catch my early flight to Cali.

Cali was awesome, as usual. I have new wavy/curly hair. I got to see my bff before she takes off for Boise with her hubby. I ate some of the best seafood I've ever had in my life (Old Port Lobster Shack in Redwood City is a must). And, I watched one of my dearest high school best friends tie the knot in a lovely ceremony at a vineyard near my hometown. Not to mention making some serious connections in the friends department at the wedding. I had a great time. And the pre-bf made quite the impression on me by staying in touch every day and calling to see if I made it back from my flights okay both on my way to Cali and on my way back... shock hasn't worn off yet. We'll see how he reacts to the hair tomorrow night.

And now I'm back. Already, I've spent approximately $215 today on things ranging from a new cell phone plan with T-Mobile (trying to take advantage of this new Hotspot@Home scheme), some anti-frizz products for my new wavy/curly hair, and a kick ass fan to help me sleep at night without sweating to death. I think I may have gone a little giddy considering I finally got my security deposit back after over 2 months.

Wish me luck.
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i won't bore you with why i think meetings suck. it's enough for me to just say it.

so where have i been? what have i been doing? a conversation with my distant friend, M, has made me realize that i've been neglecting to keep people updated. this may be a long entry. luckily, my outlook calendar keeps track of my comings and goings. without further ado...

- i've gotten two massages over the last few weeks. so great. [ profile] karendipity suggested we get one every week. if anyone would like to donate to the massage fund, just let me know. your $100 could provide me with an hour of toe-curling happiness. and it wouldn't be dirty at all.

- i saw sia play with zero 7. it was so great. she's so great. she started out with "hello f*ckers!" you can't have anything but love for someone who does that. groovy.

- i flew to california to see my brother's band's very first show in oakland on the 17th! they have a myspace page too (echodrone). he just played another show in SF this past weekend and he's got another one next week. then, they're thinking of recording a CD. i'm such a groupie now!

- it was also nice to be cali to see my mom and friends. still not enough time to see everyone, but i did my best. all i can say is that i really don't miss driving. in fact, i just don't like it.

- all kinds of shows have started this season. i'm DVRing too many of them. but when it really comes down to deciding between sleep and TV, TV wins. every time.

- went to a mall in joisey with [ profile] karendipity this past weekend as well. that was great, although i'm glad i don't spend too much time at "the mall." we also had yummy dim sum and walked across the brooklyn bridge in search of ice cream. fun fun.

- i keep dating in search of... oh, i don't know what. i have a spreadsheet to keep them all straight. some of the ones on the spreadsheet though are just potentials, as in, we seem to hang out a lot in a "friends" kind of way, and i'm just not sure how to make it clear that i want more. it has been suggested that i slip them something, but i'm too nice to do that. i think i'll have to go with kidnapping instead. hee hee.

so yeah. still alive. still going out a lot. still progressing on my journey.
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Writing on this journal is like surfacing for air after a long dive. Not that I know what it's like to dive, but I will someday and I'm sure my simile will be accurate.

I have been away. It's true. My father passed away on May 22. It wasn't as sad as I thought it would be. It was definitely as odd as I thought it would be, but surprisingly, not so much because of my immediate family, but because of my extended family. Now I know why my dad always kept these people out of our lives. I would like to forget that I met them and am ashamed that I share even the tiniest amount of genetics with them. Miscreants.

I have been trying to get back into the swing of things back in NYC. But, it turns out, I'm really unbelievably tired. I kept up a good game for about a half-day, and then quickly fell into a cycle of work followed by sleep followed by work again. Now you're saying, "but you were doing that before, right?" Yes I was, but I also took time out of the sleep cycle to go and have fun too. I'm sort of doing that now, but half-assedly. And you know how I hate to be half-assed about anything. So, maybe after this weekend, I will finally be rejuvenated because damnit, I need to get back to going to shows, dating, drinking heavily and doing every other activity that makes up who I am. And now there are more things I want to add, because without the constant worry and anxiety that came with my dad's sickness, I feel like I am a new and improved Jinny. One that gets her bar application done (sent it off yesterday - woo hoo!), one that will eventually get the tattoo she's been planning for months (blue Parson's chameleon), and one that will start buying bottles of champagne to keep in her fridge just because.
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it's what i just had for lunch. and it was delicious.

so i've been thinking a lot lately about what it is that makes me the way i am. i know i'm going through a particularly stressful time right now, but i have to think some of it was with me from a very early age, possibly even when i was a baby. i think i've always been liberal with colors, more than a little brash in my speech, and somewhat on the dark side in terms of humor.

but what makes me want to be in a relationship so bad? if i was with someone, would i really be happier? is loneliness so strong with me that it clouds every other consideration i should be considering? but i'm clearly not desperate enough to just hook up with anyone. otherwise, i would have.

and with my father, why can't i just have a normal conversation with him? i know that in actuality, no one does, but still, what is it about him and me that just makes me start yelling at him? i have patience everywhere else. that's actually a double-edged thought though, because at the same time that i think my family encourages loopiness, i've also been wondering if my loopiness really is genetic (as my mother would say.). to make things even worse, i wonder what i will do and be like when he's gone?

and with work, the real question is "how did i get here?" here, this cesspool of incompetence and imbecility. how did i get here? i don't consider myself particularly self-destructive. in fact, i consider myself someone who is not afraid to take risks in the hopes of ending up in a better place that is a bit different from everyone else. i would also consider myself self-promoting, a skill that is key to success in this world. and yet, how did i get here?
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ok, ok, ok. i heard ya. i need to post. fine.

it's not like i haven't thought about posting. or made lists in my head of things to post. i've just been so busy and overwhelmed, i seriously thought about checking myself into a loony bin for a little while.

after that little insight, now, how to go about writing a recap of the last 2 months? with a total disregard of organization of course!

- i am very excited about all the shows i'm going to see over the next month or so. considering my work consists of me and my partner-in-crime, the irish nag, trying to find the life jackets on our very own titanic, i have decided that the least i can do is make sure i'm out there having fun. stellastarr* and mobius band tomorrow. big phony ( show on 4/4 (very excited about that because i was evited as part of an elite AA crowd). sia (her song was featured on the series finale of Six Feet Under) on 4/17. mike doughty on 4/22. and finally, jaime lidell on 4/25. now, while ms. LI/jamaica is going to be accompanying me to most of the shows, y'all are totally welcome to come too. being independent artists, none of the tickets are over $20. plus, i'll be there. that's worth a cool million right there. what a bargain!

- knicks game on 4/7. they're playing the pacers. i'm taking someone i find intriguing, if not a bit frustrating. we'll see how that goes. everytime i see this person, i ask them one more question. pretty soon, i may have the mystery of our particular relationship figured out. by pretty soon, i'm hoping by summer.

- just finished reviewing my dad's will, trust, advance health care directive, and durable power of attorney. needless to say, i was not only confused by most of the legalities that are unique to this area of law, but i am also a bit traumatized.

- during one of my trips back to cali, i ended up watching a korean drama with my mom and brother, while splitting a 12 pack.

- after M left ny for london, it was pretty clear that i was a lead contender for the title, "group lush." now that A is leaving for tokyo, it's official. i don't really know how it happened. i blame genetics.

- when telling my mom about someone i know who is a bit emotionally detached. her response? "do you think it's genetic?"

- i moved out of the conference room of my firm and back into my own office. i missed it. of course, i took all the paper with me. all i need is one stray spark and this place goes up like a torch. hopefully i won't be inside it at the time. if i do, i'll use the water from my hello kitty water dispenser to save my life. i really do own a hello kitty water dispenser. it's super pink.

- my big marital termination was stamped and filed on 2/14/06. the irony nearly made me die from laughter.

- i have redone my highlights and am currently addicted to artec hair products. my hair is like a mood ring. Y can recount the color chart and their meanings for you. no one at work has said anything about it yet. i dare them to.

- tv seemed to fare well without me. i am slowly catching up. my geeky shows just finished their seasons. i mourned their temporary loss already. i am now in the midst of catching up with my trashy shows. btw, who won flava of love?

- i lost dismally in an oscar pool and am about to lose a march madness pool. betting has never been and never will be kind to me. unless it's for free items. there, i have a bit of a reputation.
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yummy. that's what txsgiving's all about. yummy.

mine was pretty good. i was nervous for some time about my father. but he was quite nice to me. and that korean dvd i bought him? at first, he thought it was pretty cheesy, but apparently after i left, he really got into it and watched it through the entire night and didn't finish it till morning. yay for my gift-giving skills! he was so appreciative he told my mom to call me. i was touched beyond belief.

for those who are unawares, my lawyer filed my motion for default judgment on the divorce the wednesday before txsgiving. so i had one more thing to be thankful for.

and now i'm back at work. hasn't been too bad. but do i really want to be here? ha ha ha ha.
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