rough week

Aug. 6th, 2011 11:06 am
adiva: (Default)
It's been a hellish week for a lot of people around me. Cancelled weddings, firings, general malaise. But for me, other than the usual "I need money" issues, it's been pretty good. So I've been musical-chairing feeling bad, then guilty, then privately happy again. The final result is that I'm pretty irritated.

I mentioned this to the boy and he gently reminded me that after everything I've been through, I probably deserve the happiness. He may have a point...
adiva: (sleepy)
and I'm not asleep. I'm not really sure why I've been having trouble going to sleep lately. Could be my lack of a schedule. Could be the vodka. Who knows.

The boy ends up going to sleep pretty regularly around 10. And then I stay up either reading or knitting. I know it sounds exciting but trust me, it's not that amazing. But it is nice. Quiet. A chance to see things that no one else does.

Last night, I was able to hear, see, and feel the thunderstorm that rolled through Austin around midnight. It was just me and the cat, watching as the sheets of rain swept over our street. Part of me wished I could have woken the boy so he could share in the moment, but the other part of me that I listened to knew that he wouldn't enjoy it as much as I did, and that he would much rather get a few more minutes of sleep.

Once the rain was over and the night resumed its usual state of silence, I thought about how often I missed out on these things because I was too busy or too asleep. Instead of making me sad about the things I've missed, it made me appreciate the storm that much more.
adiva: (Default)
It's no surprise that I want a child. I've made that pretty clear to everyone who knows me. My reasons for wanting to be a mother are a mix of intangible and tangible ones, just like any other reasonable person. But that's not why I'm writing today.

I'm writing because I want to let out are my fears about being a parent. You see, I recently was let in on a theory that is most likely true - that my father suffered from bipolar disorder. This has not only thrown some light on my past relationship choices but it's also made me question my own capability for normalcy.

While I feel as though I'm a much-improved version of my parents, and I realize that no matter our intent, we necessarily put our offspring through trials and tribulations, some traumatic, most not, I still can't help but worry about how I'm going to affect a child that hasn't even been born yet.

I think about the fact that I didn't have very many normal experiences growing up and that those feelings and memories pop into my subconscious and conscious layers on a fairly regular basis. I used to believe that my upbringing was a result of being Korean, or at the very least Asian, but now it's become clear that it was less a product of my ethnicity, and more the result of having the particular parents I did. And while I love(d) both of them so very much and they had the best intentions for the most part, it doesn't really make up for the way my childhood progressed. Not being able to have friends over, not knowing what kind of mood my parents would be in, the feeling of being dominated - these are all things I want to change in my own home.

I'm not sure how I can ensure that I will be a sufficiently improved version of my parents, but I'm hoping that by being self-aware, I at least have a fighting chance. By talking about it and relying on my husband to tell me when I'm not being rational, I want to believe that my children will grow up in a healthy and happy home.
adiva: (Default)
It's been a seriously long time since I was on here. I think at the time, I felt so lost and frustrated that I sort of gave up on life. I can remember how it felt, but every day it fades a little bit more.

Things are going well now and I have to admit that it still feels weird.

I think the best thing for me is to just pretend that my previous life, specifically my life at the law firm, was just a dream.
adiva: (Default)
I went through a very important realization last week. After the last year and a half of crying and being emotionally scarred by my workplace, I have finally decided that I am over it.

What this means is that I am not going to worry about this job anymore. On top of that, I'm not going to worry about my future in law anymore. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

I've known for a while that this particular trajectory in my life was probably not the best one. At least, not with the way it played out. The difference is now, I think it's time I really accept it and think about moving on.

Any thoughts on what I should do in the alternative?
adiva: (Default)
only 4 or 5 more left to go. or maybe it's 9 or 10. whatever.

i just want to run today. run somewhere. far away. far from the city. far from civilization and work and obligations and all the other stuff that makes us part of society but that hinders us on days when we feel like running. this sense of flight has been rising in me over the last couple days. i don't really know why. i mean, there's the general feeling that everyone else is on vacation but i don't think that's it. i have an inkling that i'm tired of crap and my brain is begging, pleading, whimpering for a break.

problem is - i'm not sure i know how to take a break. i mean, i'm lazy, don't get me wrong. but how does one take a real break from the mess that is their life? that's a tougher obstacle to overcome. and i don't have any answers.

mayhaps i should just rent a car and drive this weekend. it's quite tempting i must admit. wind in my hair. freedom in front of me. a credit card where the sky's the limit. oh dear god. i may end up filing for bankruptcy in the next couple weeks if i keep this up.


Jul. 16th, 2007 09:15 am
adiva: (Default)
I had a meltdown on Friday. It was pretty bad. It involved a lot of soul searching, phone calling, and a few tears. But I'm better now. Yay for me.

The result of my meltdown comes down to two conclusions: 1) I do not like making my life more complicated, and 2) some people I know are bitter 40-year-olds with smokers' coughs in late 20, early 30-something bodies.

I know this makes no sense, but I can't really get into details. Too personal and too fresh of a wound right now to discuss more.

So I'll move on to other things. Things like this very large project I have to finish soon. And the fact that I totally procrastinated over the weekend, doing things like buying new sheets and towels for my apartment. Well, and hanging out with a friend and his Spaniard crew last night (plus one German) in the Village. It's amazing I'm here at work this early. I'm exhausted!

I should probably get to that project now. Stupid lawyer work. Ergh.
adiva: (Default)
is there such a thing? something for this girl to ponder.

well, if there is such a thing, today came pretty close. good food and drink, great settings, lovely conversation, someone endearing to share it with, and a beautiful day.

have i mentioned how much i love central park? because i do. being there gives me such peace, a feeling of belonging to the world, and introspection like you wouldn't believe. it's my version of acid (no i haven't tried it, i am relying on others' descriptions) -- i answer deep, meaningful questions of great import, and when i leave the park, it dissipates like steam from a kettle. it's almost like my time inside the park hasn't happened, that it was just an instance of deja vu, a longing for a time desired. surreal, right?

now, on to the pre-bf. my feelings about this one fall into two separate categories, one that acknowledges the soft and fuzzy, the other that's all gloom and doom. the combination of these two categories leads to a conclusion that i should just go along with the happiness i feel at the moment without too much thought into the future. it is clear to me that he really likes me but he is also one of these people that just doesn't know what he wants at the moment. i have caught him during a transitional time. and he acquiesces in my assessment of the situation. so i have put my offer on the table - an upgrade to bf status whenever he's ready (but without any pressure). it's all i have to give at the moment. it makes me uneasy but perhaps that's just part of the game. it may also be healthy for me to go through this queasy, unsure, slow growth phase that regular relationships go through. i just don't know since i don't think i've ever really been through it. i'm such a child when it comes to these things. so inexperienced. i only know the bad so i have trouble with the good. i'm a french flick waiting to happen. how tragic.

well, not much will happen in this next week. he goes away on vacay starting tomorrow and i leave on thursday for california. i hope i don't implode on the way.
adiva: (Default)
lj was kind enough to tell me that it has been 35 weeks since i last posted. and i swear i have good reason. in that 35 weeks, i lost my job, found a new job, went on vacay to belize and london, had a bf, lost a bf, and now have a new pre-bf (updated from proto-bf status just a few days ago).

and what have i learned?

very little actually. :D

i feel like lj is a reverse addiction for me. i want to be one of those people that has something to say every day. but i think i end up boring myself, and then i stop posting again. so whereas, if it were say, heroin or something, i wouldn't be able to stop, with this blogging thing, i can't seem to not stop.
adiva: (Default)
i have been embarking upon a new journey lately. i am enjoying it but right now, i'm tired. i also wish i had more time. i should be doing some work right now but instead, i'll watch tv, pass out, and try to get up early. although i know i won't get up as early as i'd like. because of the snooze button.

so what is my new journey? well, it involves changing my life from the inside. i have been going to parties where i don't know anyone. i made friends through craigslist. i call or email the new people i've met at the parties where i don't know anyone and hope for the best. the myspace friends list is growing. and i have to say, it's all working. i feel my life is more fulfilled, exciting, and happier.

work still sucks though. i found out today that not only do i have to do the annual training program again, but this time, THIS TIME, there will also be workshops. ugh.

on the boys front, things are looking up. i have a few guys i'm interested in - just waiting to see if they will return the interest. of course, not all things in that area can be going smoothly - an annoying guy from the past texted me out of the blue on friday night. but i managed to save my phone from sudden death and just ignored the text.

tonight, i saw red doors. it was a little slow but i liked it overall. and it definitely made me start thinking about my own life. i feel like i'm currently going through a similar phase of realization. i just hope my own story turns out as well as the stories of the various characters in the film.
adiva: (Default)
maybe i should try living life with the belief that i am an ugly girl. it would eliminate expectations and therefore, disappointment.
adiva: (Default)
it's what i just had for lunch. and it was delicious.

so i've been thinking a lot lately about what it is that makes me the way i am. i know i'm going through a particularly stressful time right now, but i have to think some of it was with me from a very early age, possibly even when i was a baby. i think i've always been liberal with colors, more than a little brash in my speech, and somewhat on the dark side in terms of humor.

but what makes me want to be in a relationship so bad? if i was with someone, would i really be happier? is loneliness so strong with me that it clouds every other consideration i should be considering? but i'm clearly not desperate enough to just hook up with anyone. otherwise, i would have.

and with my father, why can't i just have a normal conversation with him? i know that in actuality, no one does, but still, what is it about him and me that just makes me start yelling at him? i have patience everywhere else. that's actually a double-edged thought though, because at the same time that i think my family encourages loopiness, i've also been wondering if my loopiness really is genetic (as my mother would say.). to make things even worse, i wonder what i will do and be like when he's gone?

and with work, the real question is "how did i get here?" here, this cesspool of incompetence and imbecility. how did i get here? i don't consider myself particularly self-destructive. in fact, i consider myself someone who is not afraid to take risks in the hopes of ending up in a better place that is a bit different from everyone else. i would also consider myself self-promoting, a skill that is key to success in this world. and yet, how did i get here?

May 2012

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