In these past few days, I've found myself doing a complete 180 on the things I thought I knew. I thought I knew I was going to be a teacher next year, but it turns out, my school had other plans. Or should I say, ex-school. I thought I would just use law as a way to fill time without actually making any money. However, it may now be the only way I can make any money in the near future. I thought I was going to just continue thinking about a food business with the plans of making it a reality 10 years from now. Nope, that's been moved up a bit, by something like 9 years.

What the hell is going on?

I wish I knew. And I wish I wasn't so scared about the future. You would think that with everything I've been through, I'd have some confidence, some esteem, some moxie for chrissakes. But no, I've got a constant knot in the pit of my stomach and a feeling that things may crash down around me at any moment.

But, it's kind of exciting too. I feel as though it's only through fear that I will accomplish anything. Never written a patent app before? No worries, I'll learn. Don't know how to market candies? That's okay. I can google. Doing my first big out-of-town craft fair to sell lip products that can melt in the Texas heat? Easy peasy - get some ice packs.

Fear can certainly be my undoing, but it can also be what saves me from another job where I'm misunderstood and treated like dirt.

i finally did it. i started my own online business and it's up and running. www.lipglosseriestore.com if you're interested.

and now i'm getting more and more nervous. so far, i've had two orders and they've been from friends. i'm wondering if i should try and advertise somehow (probably free advertising is the right price point for me). i guess my problem is two-fold: 1) i don't have time to do a lot since i still do this lawyer thing, and 2) while my presence on the internet is good, i'm not really connected to that many people since my friends have various reasons for why they won't do twitter, facebook, etc. i guess there's a third reason in there too - i'm not that good at meeting people online and making friends with them.

all i can hope is that eventually people will start googling for things they want to buy and will end up on my site.

i would just love to make this thing a big part of my life, along with playing poker on the side, and be able to quit my job. or if i'm not financially able to do that, at least get a job like being a contract lawyer. sadly though, in this economy, those jobs are hard to come by as well. so i continue on like this, working at "the firm," keeping my head down, and hoping they don't try and fire me. at this point, my hours are ridiculously low and all i can hope is that a trial will help pull me out of it. or that they just take away my bonus and raise (which is pretty much what they've done to me twice now even though i made my hours) and still keep me on.

i'm not particularly sure what i should do.