Still Thinking

In these past few days, I've found myself doing a complete 180 on the things I thought I knew. I thought I knew I was going to be a teacher next year, but it turns out, my school had other plans. Or should I say, ex-school. I thought I would just use law as a way to fill time without actually making any money. However, it may now be the only way I can make any money in the near future. I thought I was going to just continue thinking about a food business with the plans of making it a reality 10 years from now. Nope, that's been moved up a bit, by something like 9 years.

What the hell is going on?

I wish I knew. And I wish I wasn't so scared about the future. You would think that with everything I've been through, I'd have some confidence, some esteem, some moxie for chrissakes. But no, I've got a constant knot in the pit of my stomach and a feeling that things may crash down around me at any moment.

But, it's kind of exciting too. I feel as though it's only through fear that I will accomplish anything. Never written a patent app before? No worries, I'll learn. Don't know how to market candies? That's okay. I can google. Doing my first big out-of-town craft fair to sell lip products that can melt in the Texas heat? Easy peasy - get some ice packs.

Fear can certainly be my undoing, but it can also be what saves me from another job where I'm misunderstood and treated like dirt.

I've had numerous breakdowns since my last post. Part of what makes it so difficult to get up every morning is that right now, I have very little to do at work. Sure, I have one assignment at the moment, due next Tuesday, but honestly, it'll probably take me about 4 hours to do.

So, in the meantime, I try to keep busy. I read up on legal news and organize my CLE credits. I read fun books for myself since I haven't been able to seriously do that in ages. I surf the net.

But isn't it funny how you let other things go when you have all the time in the world? I can't honestly tell you whether I've updated my change of address with everyone I should have (like my bar admissions and with the Department of Business for my corporation). I can't seem to write blog posts as often as I should. I have no idea when I'll ever get around to unpacking.

So, while some things change, other things ALWAYS stay the same.

Days I want to leave this miserable job and existence behind. Days that I want to leave NYC and move to a place without stupid high-pressure law firms made up of ridiculous people who have forgotten how to enjoy life.

I think you can guess that today is one of those days.

Still no interviews. And therefore no new job.

And I'm tired. Like really, deep down, bone tired. I mean, look at me, I'm posting at 2 in the morning. And I'm probably going to wake up around 8. And I'm sure tomorrow will be a repeat.

I'm basically doing 3 major things right now: working at the crap job I have now, trying to find a new job that isn't crap, and starting a side project (which I will elaborate upon if it works). Oh yeah, and keeping up relationships and such.

My list of things I try to accomplish everyday is daunting and I'm happy if I can get at least 2 or 3 things knocked off the list. I'm sure there are people out there that can do more. I guess I'm just not one of them. Especially because I like reading my Neil Gaiman novels and playing online poker whenever I get the chance. And I'm trying to work on finishing a game on my PSP. But that's going pretty damn slowly.

So sue me.

Oh dear. It's back to work in two days. And I'm still looking for a new job. I've applied to 3 so far but because of the holidays, I haven't heard a thing in terms of interviews.

But, I did start something positive despite all the gloom. I have launched my own beauty blog. PM me if you want the link. :)

I am at a mental and emotional crossroads. My general well-being feels like it's on a roller coaster. One minute I'm fine, the next minute I've got tears rolling down my cheeks. And why?

As always, it's work.

I received my review this past week and let's just say it was not good. Which, to be honest, was really a surprise to me. I knew that the one person I have had problems with in the past would not give me anything less than a scathing review, but I was sure that over the past year, I had done enough work for others that it would balance my file out. It turns out, no.

I would love to give details but this is not the right forum for it, especially since I don't plan on locking the post. All I can say is that I feel that since the review, I've done some digging on my own and I've found out that I was lied to, and just in general treated in a most unfair manner. Hence, the title. I am being set up to be let go.

You know how they say, "the writing's on the wall?" Well, my writing appears to be in all caps, in bright neon pink. Kind of hard to miss it.

So where do I go from here? It's hard to say. Right now, as I've mentioned, I feel alternating waves of hopefulness and despair. Freedom and helplessness. Strength and weakness. I just hope that over time, it evens itself out.

I'm keeping myself open to all kinds of options. Perhaps it's time for a career change. Who knows? With the economy being what it is, it's really quite hard for me to feel altogether comfortable, but I guess it is what it is. As people say, it could always be worse. Unfortunately, that doesn't make me feel better while I'm going through this.

Before I begin a list of motivational cliches that are supposed to make me feel like in reality, this is a "blessing in disguise," I should really just end this post. Maybe at some point, I can look back and experience the always sought after catharsis one craves after trauma. I think I deserve it.

i've been saying that a lot lately.

too much working and not enough sleeping has made me even more clutzy than usual. an almost impossible task for sure, but something i apparently have accomplished nonetheless.

i am also quite certain that i have some kind of a cold. i don't necessarily have a constant running nose, but the sinus pressure pain stays with me no matter what i do.

and then there's the ever-present muscle tightness. the boy and i went out and got chinese back rubs last night and while they were absolutely what i needed and deserved, the effects are sadly short-lived and i'm kind of back where i was pre-back rub.

but i am losing weight. woo hoo.

I'm trying to take advantage of a newfound enthusiasm for working. I've decided I'm going to try to attain a certain level of combat bonus and so I need to work. Not a crazy amount, but a fairly large amount. Thank goodness I've got TV to keep me company. Currently, I'm watching the Omaha event of the World Series of Poker. And of course, there's the internets.

Sigh. It doesn't help that I've gotten invited to so many events lately. Paintball, friends' gigs, 2 weddings, 2 baby showers, a music festival, etc. Just thinking about it makes me... exhausted.

The rough times I referred to earlier have resolved themselves for the most part. A mental breakdown, a plea bargain and a possible breast tumor later, and nothing's great, but it is better. (I should clarify that these things did not all happen to the same person.)

My response to these issues? I bought a 360 elite. Yeah, I went for the electronics. I'm such a dork. I just bought the 60gb ps3, but now I've also got the 120gb 360. And I bought all these games. Which I can't play. Because I'm working so much. It's a vicious cycle. And I've been buying a lot of makeup too, which I've now justified in my head because I've found someone who's willing to take all the items that are the wrong color for me.

Me is a basket case. Me knows. Time for ice cream.

i just got a call from a fellow associate telling me that i'm invited to have lunch with my two partners, the client, and an expert because they're doing deposition prep today (which i haven't been involved in at all). but i already made plans. and that's what i said. it didn't seem like such a big deal, but maybe it is?

***

alright, i just called the other associate and asked that he not tell them that i made other plans. he said he would just tell them that i was unavailable. whew. office politics.

sorry everyone. i'm finally starting to re-emerge from the work cave i was in for a few weeks. i'm not sure how i survived, but i did. and my new partners like me, so it's all good.

not a whole lot going on. flying out for 4th of july weekend to attend taste of chicago. i plan on eating alligator and all sorts of new things. and the weather looks like it might not suck while the boy and i are there, so that's a bonus.

as of today, i have 1,650 days left doing the job i do. then i'm out (at least that's the current plan). oh, i've also started a new countdown. this time, it's to the day that i move in with the boy. i have 248 days left for that deadline. (you think i'm crazy, but trust me, it helps me with my anxiety. don't ask why, i'm not sure i know anyway.)

alright, time to head home.