Still Thinking

What is that? I'll tell you - it's apparently the approximate weight of my parasite.

I swear, I've asked a bunch of people, and no one knows what that is. But it's better than one of the previous descriptions, which was a large mango covered in cheese. ?!?!

It appears that I'm not not going to keep my job for too much longer (I at least know I'll be there till the end of the summer, i.e., August). When that happens (or possibly shortly before/after), the boy and I will be moving to Texas.

*GASP*

I know. It's kind of big news. But we've been talking about it for some time and our recent trip to Austin has made it a very palatable choice for us. We're looking forward to a nicer life and more breathing room. But, that's not to say we won't return to NY at some point in the future. It's more that we just can't stay at the moment.

As my recruiter put it, "New York is dead."

What makes this whole situation even worse, worse than the horrible job market, and worse than the tension and stress associated with preparing to move -- the fact that my current job is telling me that I'm a bad lawyer. That I'm incompetent. Basically, that I'm illiterate and unable to form coherent thoughts.

I've spent the last week or so trying to build myself up from those comments. And even though I know they're not inherently true in any way, it still leaves me feeling like there's a gaping hole in my chest. Inexplicably, this gaping hole can still tighten up and make me feel like there's a rubber band stretched around my heart.

So, yeah. Texas.

I don't know what kind of personality one has to have to go into real estate but I'm convinced that most of us in the world are just too good for it.

The boy and I have been looking for an apartment and have finally found one to our liking. We went in yesterday to apply for it. Once there, we find out that the price told to us by the broker is really an "offer" price and even though neither of us recalls being told that, oh ho no, we apparently were. They also requested a ridiculous amount of paperwork and told us that we wouldn't even be able to receive confirmation of our offer or a possible counteroffer until our ENTIRE application package was complete.

Then, in speaking to my current management company today, I am told that I cannot have my security deposit cover my last month's rent and that "in all [the realtor's] 20 years in real estate," she would have never said such a thing. What she apparently said was that if I didn't pay my last month's rent, my security would cover it. It still has not been explained to me the qualitative difference between those statements. And finally, I requested a reference letter from them and told them I needed it by the end of today. That was at 12:30. They said they would slip it under my door. I then called again at 4:30 and was reassured that it would be under my door. Guess what? It's 10:05 and nothing has been slipped under my door.

Unfortunately, as maddening as all this is, the apartment is truly worth it. Ergh.

i have to rein myself in. i've been spending way too much lately in an effort to feel something besides blahness. it has got to stop. the boy and i discussed my limits and i know i'll stick to it if he's holding me accountable. it's not going to be a cold turkey kind of thing, hence it's not a no-buy but a low-buy. the boy thinks i'm ridiculous but whatever - he'll deal with it.

speaking of which, i'm looking forward to spending the week between christmas and new year's with the boy. this past thanksgiving weekend really spoiled me and it made me realize that yes, this is the one i want to marry, and that yes, i really want to live with him. there was a brief scare where his parents may have interrupted our winter vacay, but thankfully they were convinced that it would be best for them to come to ny at a later time.

at the moment, i'm watching intervention on a&e. i have to admit. there is something about this show that just makes me feel better about myself. is that just sick? right now, it's a grad student who's both alcoholic and bulimic. freaking fascinating.

i've got to find more hobbies.

I arrived in Nashville about half an hour ago. I'm waiting for my friend's flight to come in before we head to our hotel and go grab some bbq. We're here for a co-worker's wedding. Apparently, we're the only ones from work who are coming. Whatever happened to strength in numbers?

What's sad is the only thing I can get excited about is the idea of going to Waffle House. I've been through the South about a million and one times and never had a waffle at Waffle House. Truly a sad state of affairs. I hope this trip fixes that huge gaping hole in my experiences.

The boy is in Vegas at the moment at a bachelor party. From what I can tell, my training has prepared him well for the battlefield of hookers out there who are just waiting to take my beautiful boy away from me. A text message early this morning informed me that at least 7 strippers now know of me and are jealous. Now, whether they are jealous of him for having such a great relationship, or of me for having such a faithful boyfriend, was not specified. But I suppose it doesn't matter.

I've come up with some great rhymes in the meantime, that I've told him over the phone:

Neener, neener, neener.
Who's touching your wiener?

Rose are red,
Violets are blue.
Don't think I won't pierce your scrotum with thatched reed traveling at hurricane-like speeds if you cheat on me.

Mirror mirror on the wall.
If [boy] cheats, I'll kill them all.

Poetry? Perhaps. What's more important is the way I can keep to a theme. :)

yesterday was the 1 year anniversary for me and the boy. i joked with him for about a week that he should send me flowers. but i tried to make it really clear that i was joking. but of course, he sent flowers to me at work.



annnnnhhhh.

we couldn't see each other yesterday, so instead i made him talk to me on the phone. he wasn't allowed to watch TV, use the computer, or read while talking to me. meaning, he had to actually pay attention. i asked for 20 minutes, he lasted for more than 40. i was super impressed.

tonight, though, we'll see each other in person. we've got reservations for union square cafe because we didn't want anything too fancy. i'm looking forward to it.

My new corn snake, Falcor, will be arriving on Tuesday. I am so utterly excited. :) I just know I'm going to fall in love the moment I see him. And then I'll just die, die, die from the love in my house between the cats, the hamster and the snake. And when the boy visits on the weekend, I may just explode from the overwhelming gravitational effect of the loving.

Ahem.

Anyways, I'm back from Chicago. It was a wonderful vacation. I am about 5 pounds heavier, but it was soooo worth it. I unfortunately, did not get to eat gator, but I did eat shark. I also had some excellent hot dogs at Hot Doug's. Mmmmm...

And, as usual, I'm even more in love with the boy. I'm not sure how that's possible, but it is. I demanded that he say something romantic to me before our vacation ended, and he came up with a good one: "I know I don't express it that often, but I am proud to have you as my girlfriend. I look at you and think 'Wow, that's [jinnyisms2]. And she's my girlfriend.'" Aaaaannnnhhhh...

I also took this opportunity to tell the boy about my first crazy bf. He took it well, but commented on how it was hard to believe that those things happened to me. Sigh. Yeah, it's hard for me too.

i just read an article about things you shouldn't say to As-Am's (like "Where are you from?" and "You speak English good.") and it reminded me of a funny story.

The boy and I bought bottled water to take on the cruise. It happened to be Fiji water. So, one day, we're sitting around with the boy's family and his aunt notices me drinking one of the bottled waters. She repeats the name to herself and then asks me... "Are you from there?"

I honestly didn't know what to say. My gut reaction was to be sarcastic because well, that's really one of the silliest questions I've gotten in a long time. So I tried to remind myself that she is from Florida and that I am trying to marry the boy. I just responded with "No" and left it at that.

I think the boy almost died from trying to keep the laughter inside. I hope the story gave you a laugh too.

(20 minutes left till my 3 day weekend.)

Yesterday, I adopted my very first hamster. I know it usually goes hamster first, larger mammals second (i.e., the cats). But I never do things the usual way.

First off, I already love my hamster. One night is all it took and I think he's the greatest. Second, I am not at my home right now and I just hope he's okay. Here's the deal. Obviously, the two kitties that co-habitate with the hamster are very curious about their new rodent friend. So I decided to put his cage on top of my dresser, which I am sure, for all purposes is not within reach of the felines. But, what if I'm wrong?! I really really hope not. I left them alone for 6 hours last night while at a party and returned to peacefulness. Well, not exactly total peacefulness as there was a lot of hamster wheel action going on at 2:30 in the morning. But now I've been gone for approximately 16.5 hours and I'm getting a little nervous (I'm at the boy's place).

Which leads me to third. So third, I am truly, sadly, pathetically in love with the boy. While he sits in the other room, withdrawing deeper and deeper into his coding cave (a personal project he's been working on for a while), I am content to sit in the other room and blog about my hamster rather than just go home to be with my hamster.

It's sick really. I should just go home. I'm not getting anything here. No attention, no lovin, nothing. But somehow, I still prefer to be here. I think I need meds. I think I need a glass of wine. I think I need a reality check.

Anyway, I will do my typical thing and just ignore my sick, pathetic mushy side and focus on the hamster instead. Of course, there will be pictures soon. He is a Syrian hamster (aka Teddy Bear). His name is Banzuke. He has a darkish brown/grey coloring in stripes where his head and shoulder area have the color and his abdomen down to his tail also have that color. His middle is a beautiful white. His fur is so soft and I can already tell he's going to be very personable. He gnawed for a moment on my finger, but not really in an aggressive way, I think he may have thought I was a tortilla chip (the last thing I ate). He's very inquisitive and has a lot of personality characteristics that remind me of the boy (who helped pick him out btw). For instance, he naps while in the middle of doing things and yawns all the time. He's also surprisingly calm for having his whole world being completely overturned yesterday. He doesn't turn down snacks although he's not a big eater either. And I can tell that he's complicated on the inside while deceivingly simple on the outside.

Yup, that's Banzuke for you. As I said, pictures to come.

Oooh, I also have picked out a name for my pastel motley corn snake that should be arriving in August. I've decided to name him Falcor, after the dragon from Neverending Story. I think their colorations will be similar, hence, the inspiration.

it's been a rough week for me emotionally. i've felt generally depressed, fat, unloved, and neglected. throw in some exhaustion and you've got a very unhappy j. i eventually sent the boy a "water me please" email telling him that i needed a little lovin. i got a call in less than 5 minutes. he's fantastic. i saw him last night too, which was really nice and reassuring. i especially need the reassuring part because people around me keep warning me that i may end up as a starter girlfriend.

if you're not familiar with this concept, it goes like this. i train the boy, he becomes grade A+ boyfriend material. i want him to commit, he balks and eventually leaves me. then, he meets someone else and is still grade A+ boyfriend material AND gets engaged almost immediately because suddenly he is ready. this train of thought frightens me more than anything else in the world right now. and i told him about it too. he told me he doesn't think i need to worry about it. that there would have to be some pretty major conflict for him to leave. i told him that of course he says that now, but there's no telling with the future.

i think i'm going to cry soon.