adiva: (sleepy)
Lately, I've felt left out a lot. I'm involved in a lot of activities and it feels like I'm the unpopular girl in all of them. It's not constant and it certainly doesn't feel intentional, but it's there nonetheless. I don't know if it's true or if I'm just being sensitive. I haven't said anything to anyone really, but I felt like it might be good if I wrote it out to see how it looked on paper a.k.a. my computer screen. Jury's still out on how it looks...

To be fair, I believe I tend to isolate myself as well, so I can't really blame people if they don't want to include me in their fun. As extroverted as I am, I gravitate more towards being an observer than the center of attention. And while I do like attention every once in a while, I have a hard time grabbing it. I also can't help feeling like there's something about my personality, my demeanor, my presence and what not, that makes people view me as aloof and perhaps even a snob. And I wish I could shake people and tell them, "I'm a really nice person! No really!" But I know that would come off as just psychotic.

So instead, I write it here. And hope that no one judges me for writing it. I also hope this feeling passes. Sooner than later would be better.


Apr. 24th, 2012 05:56 pm
adiva: (sleepy)
What is that? I'll tell you - it's apparently the approximate weight of my parasite.

I swear, I've asked a bunch of people, and no one knows what that is. But it's better than one of the previous descriptions, which was a large mango covered in cheese. ?!?!


Mar. 19th, 2012 07:12 pm
adiva: (lazy)
My baby is supposedly almost the length of a banana. It kicks pretty regularly, makes my stomach round and tight like there's a beach ball in there, and likes to eat me up from the inside. I still don't understand these women who say they loved being pregnant. While I can't complain too much about how this pregnancy is going, I certainly wouldn't do this in the future for fun. Because it turns out I really love being able to walk without waddling, eat anything I want, drink anything I want, and not get asked a ridiculous number of times if I know the gender of my baby.

It's funny because today, the guy I work with told me he's moving his office and I offered to help. He sort of questioned the fact that I wanted to help move stuff, and then asked me if I was one of those types that keeps going till the very end. And all I could think was, "Well, my pregnancy certainly didn't make the boy think, 'Hmmmm... maybe she shouldn't be doing 7 loads of laundry,' now did it?" So maybe I am one of those types.

But right now, at this very moment, I am enjoying being lazy on the couch. I would be a fool not to use the pregnancy card at some point, right?

Ramping up

Nov. 2nd, 2011 09:15 am
adiva: (Default)

It’s November and I feel completely unprepared yet strangely calm.  I know I should be more frantic, but I guess I’m just saving it up for later.  Yeah, that must be it.  Knowing that I won’t be sleeping much next week just makes me want to lounge around this week as much as possible.

rough week

Aug. 6th, 2011 11:06 am
adiva: (Default)
It's been a hellish week for a lot of people around me. Cancelled weddings, firings, general malaise. But for me, other than the usual "I need money" issues, it's been pretty good. So I've been musical-chairing feeling bad, then guilty, then privately happy again. The final result is that I'm pretty irritated.

I mentioned this to the boy and he gently reminded me that after everything I've been through, I probably deserve the happiness. He may have a point...
adiva: (sleepy)
and I'm not asleep. I'm not really sure why I've been having trouble going to sleep lately. Could be my lack of a schedule. Could be the vodka. Who knows.

The boy ends up going to sleep pretty regularly around 10. And then I stay up either reading or knitting. I know it sounds exciting but trust me, it's not that amazing. But it is nice. Quiet. A chance to see things that no one else does.

Last night, I was able to hear, see, and feel the thunderstorm that rolled through Austin around midnight. It was just me and the cat, watching as the sheets of rain swept over our street. Part of me wished I could have woken the boy so he could share in the moment, but the other part of me that I listened to knew that he wouldn't enjoy it as much as I did, and that he would much rather get a few more minutes of sleep.

Once the rain was over and the night resumed its usual state of silence, I thought about how often I missed out on these things because I was too busy or too asleep. Instead of making me sad about the things I've missed, it made me appreciate the storm that much more.


Jun. 17th, 2011 02:15 pm
adiva: (Default)
In these past few days, I've found myself doing a complete 180 on the things I thought I knew. I thought I knew I was going to be a teacher next year, but it turns out, my school had other plans. Or should I say, ex-school. I thought I would just use law as a way to fill time without actually making any money. However, it may now be the only way I can make any money in the near future. I thought I was going to just continue thinking about a food business with the plans of making it a reality 10 years from now. Nope, that's been moved up a bit, by something like 9 years.

What the hell is going on?

I wish I knew. And I wish I wasn't so scared about the future. You would think that with everything I've been through, I'd have some confidence, some esteem, some moxie for chrissakes. But no, I've got a constant knot in the pit of my stomach and a feeling that things may crash down around me at any moment.

But, it's kind of exciting too. I feel as though it's only through fear that I will accomplish anything. Never written a patent app before? No worries, I'll learn. Don't know how to market candies? That's okay. I can google. Doing my first big out-of-town craft fair to sell lip products that can melt in the Texas heat? Easy peasy - get some ice packs.

Fear can certainly be my undoing, but it can also be what saves me from another job where I'm misunderstood and treated like dirt.


Dec. 7th, 2010 09:18 pm
adiva: (Default)
My life for the past four months has been filled with teaching, training to be a different kind of teacher, making lip balms, selling lip balms, cooking new recipes, and buying a house.

I feel like a completely different person as a result. I regularly go days without checking Facebook. I have no idea what's on the news. I haven't been able to finish a task list since I don't know when. I get sleepy around 9 at night. And I don't sleep the whole night through. Ever.

And yet I love my life. I'm excited and happy and feeling really positive about the future.
adiva: (accomplished)
I guess I'll be cross-posting to both Dreamwidth and Livejournal now. We'll see if I like it. This is my first test post. Figuring it out was a bit confusing, but I think I've got the hang of it now.
adiva: (Default)
I'm fully back into teaching again. The week before last, I was allowed to observe the other science teacher take the kids through a "Boot Camp" where they learned some basics and really got a feel for what science would be like at the school where I'm teaching. It was an excellent way for me to get to know my future 6th graders without having to actually lead them from the get go.

This past week was the first week of regular school. Everything went quite smoothly and I really love being back in the classroom. The kids are adorable, well-behaved (for the most part), and eager to learn. It really is a pleasure to watch them in action.

This past week also marks my receipt of the first angry parent email. And I think I may hate this person.

Thankfully, this parent has a history and the entire school (co-teachers and administration alike) are behind me 100%. What has also helped the situation immensely is that after having been through two horrible law firms, I can honestly say that it takes a whole lot more to ruffle my feathers now, than say five years ago.

I wish I could post the emails here (all 4 of them) because I'd love to spotlight this person as a nemesis to society, but I don't think this is an appropriate forum, so if you'd like, I can email it to you directly. To sum, I've deduced that this person: 1) is most likely a sociopath, and 2) is a misogynist. Two traits that I wish did not exist in any parent, especially not together, but alas, it is what it is. As my friend put it, "I hope [parent's] kid becomes a junkie and dies while doing theater at a liberal arts college in Northern Saskatchewan."
adiva: (Default)
It's no surprise that I want a child. I've made that pretty clear to everyone who knows me. My reasons for wanting to be a mother are a mix of intangible and tangible ones, just like any other reasonable person. But that's not why I'm writing today.

I'm writing because I want to let out are my fears about being a parent. You see, I recently was let in on a theory that is most likely true - that my father suffered from bipolar disorder. This has not only thrown some light on my past relationship choices but it's also made me question my own capability for normalcy.

While I feel as though I'm a much-improved version of my parents, and I realize that no matter our intent, we necessarily put our offspring through trials and tribulations, some traumatic, most not, I still can't help but worry about how I'm going to affect a child that hasn't even been born yet.

I think about the fact that I didn't have very many normal experiences growing up and that those feelings and memories pop into my subconscious and conscious layers on a fairly regular basis. I used to believe that my upbringing was a result of being Korean, or at the very least Asian, but now it's become clear that it was less a product of my ethnicity, and more the result of having the particular parents I did. And while I love(d) both of them so very much and they had the best intentions for the most part, it doesn't really make up for the way my childhood progressed. Not being able to have friends over, not knowing what kind of mood my parents would be in, the feeling of being dominated - these are all things I want to change in my own home.

I'm not sure how I can ensure that I will be a sufficiently improved version of my parents, but I'm hoping that by being self-aware, I at least have a fighting chance. By talking about it and relying on my husband to tell me when I'm not being rational, I want to believe that my children will grow up in a healthy and happy home.

to-do lists

Aug. 4th, 2010 08:30 pm
adiva: (Default)
So, I've got about a million and one things to do, but yet here I am, drinking my ghetto drink of choice (vodka and Coke Zero), watching Confessions: Animal Hoarding, Honestly, it won't really affect my to-do list of today, but it is having a serious impact on tomorrow's.

I know people who have given up on to-do lists because this is exactly what happens. I know others who try to limit their to-do lists to the things that they can actually do in a given day. And then there are others who just don't worry about these things and have never made a to-do list in their entire lives.

There is absolutely no way I could fall into any of these tempting, yet completely out-of-reach categories. I would be a lost dinghy on the ocean of life without my to-do lists. Literally, I would just watch youtube videos all day and eat Cheetos by the handful. As to the length of the lists, I think limiting myself would give in to my pessimistic side. Setting high expectations for myself is not a new thing and really, I feel like it helps promote my momentum throughout the day. Without that momentum, I'm back to youtube and Cheetos.

Thankfully though, I'm not as neurotic as I might seem at first. Because at the end of the day, there's a nice cocktail waiting for me and those to-do lists retreat to the back corner of my mind and I can just relax and watch sad, depressing reality TV.
adiva: (Default)
It's been a seriously long time since I was on here. I think at the time, I felt so lost and frustrated that I sort of gave up on life. I can remember how it felt, but every day it fades a little bit more.

Things are going well now and I have to admit that it still feels weird.

I think the best thing for me is to just pretend that my previous life, specifically my life at the law firm, was just a dream.
adiva: (Default)
I went through a very important realization last week. After the last year and a half of crying and being emotionally scarred by my workplace, I have finally decided that I am over it.

What this means is that I am not going to worry about this job anymore. On top of that, I'm not going to worry about my future in law anymore. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

I've known for a while that this particular trajectory in my life was probably not the best one. At least, not with the way it played out. The difference is now, I think it's time I really accept it and think about moving on.

Any thoughts on what I should do in the alternative?
adiva: (Default)
I've had numerous breakdowns since my last post. Part of what makes it so difficult to get up every morning is that right now, I have very little to do at work. Sure, I have one assignment at the moment, due next Tuesday, but honestly, it'll probably take me about 4 hours to do.

So, in the meantime, I try to keep busy. I read up on legal news and organize my CLE credits. I read fun books for myself since I haven't been able to seriously do that in ages. I surf the net.

But isn't it funny how you let other things go when you have all the time in the world? I can't honestly tell you whether I've updated my change of address with everyone I should have (like my bar admissions and with the Department of Business for my corporation). I can't seem to write blog posts as often as I should. I have no idea when I'll ever get around to unpacking.

So, while some things change, other things ALWAYS stay the same.
adiva: (Default)
It appears that I'm not not going to keep my job for too much longer (I at least know I'll be there till the end of the summer, i.e., August). When that happens (or possibly shortly before/after), the boy and I will be moving to Texas.


I know. It's kind of big news. But we've been talking about it for some time and our recent trip to Austin has made it a very palatable choice for us. We're looking forward to a nicer life and more breathing room. But, that's not to say we won't return to NY at some point in the future. It's more that we just can't stay at the moment.

As my recruiter put it, "New York is dead."

What makes this whole situation even worse, worse than the horrible job market, and worse than the tension and stress associated with preparing to move -- the fact that my current job is telling me that I'm a bad lawyer. That I'm incompetent. Basically, that I'm illiterate and unable to form coherent thoughts.

I've spent the last week or so trying to build myself up from those comments. And even though I know they're not inherently true in any way, it still leaves me feeling like there's a gaping hole in my chest. Inexplicably, this gaping hole can still tighten up and make me feel like there's a rubber band stretched around my heart.

So, yeah. Texas.
adiva: (Default)
Days I want to leave this miserable job and existence behind. Days that I want to leave NYC and move to a place without stupid high-pressure law firms made up of ridiculous people who have forgotten how to enjoy life.

I think you can guess that today is one of those days.
adiva: (Default)
On our bike ride this past Saturday, while crossing the Williamsburg Bridge, the boy and I had a particularly entertaining New York moment. We passed a man, who may or may not have been homeless, riding a unicycle. And not just a normal, run-of-the-mill unicycle, but a seriously tall, like 7 feet in the air, unicycle.

I wish we had our cameras on us at the time. It would've been priceless.

Two questions: 1) how did he get on the unicycle? and 2) how did he manage to pedal up the upwards part of the bridge? (The second question is really more out of pure envy since on a regular bike, I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack by the time I reach the mid-point of any bridge.)
adiva: (Default)
i finally did it. i started my own online business and it's up and running. if you're interested.

and now i'm getting more and more nervous. so far, i've had two orders and they've been from friends. i'm wondering if i should try and advertise somehow (probably free advertising is the right price point for me). i guess my problem is two-fold: 1) i don't have time to do a lot since i still do this lawyer thing, and 2) while my presence on the internet is good, i'm not really connected to that many people since my friends have various reasons for why they won't do twitter, facebook, etc. i guess there's a third reason in there too - i'm not that good at meeting people online and making friends with them.

all i can hope is that eventually people will start googling for things they want to buy and will end up on my site.

i would just love to make this thing a big part of my life, along with playing poker on the side, and be able to quit my job. or if i'm not financially able to do that, at least get a job like being a contract lawyer. sadly though, in this economy, those jobs are hard to come by as well. so i continue on like this, working at "the firm," keeping my head down, and hoping they don't try and fire me. at this point, my hours are ridiculously low and all i can hope is that a trial will help pull me out of it. or that they just take away my bonus and raise (which is pretty much what they've done to me twice now even though i made my hours) and still keep me on.

i'm not particularly sure what i should do.
adiva: (Default)
Via [ profile] nanila. Apparently, I'm supposed to tag people, but besides [ profile] nanila, none of my friends use LJ anymore. But here are the instructions anyhow:

Pick 10 people and give them the "you make my day" award. If you're picked, you are charged with picking 10 of your own if you wish.

I choose: (answers)

The questions meme:

People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blog and replace any question that they dislike with a new, original question.

1. Make a list of 5 things you can see without getting up.
* My cat, Charlie
* My blackberry
* My flat screen TV
* 4 large boxes filled with empty boxes
* Plaid socks

2. How do you style your hair?
Wash in the morning, air dry a bit, spray volumizer on the roots, curls booster on my ends, then scrunch, scrunch, scrunch.

3. What are you wearing now?
Sweats, tee, and a hoodie.

4. What’s your occupation?
Lawyer, entrepreneur, and amateur beauty blogger.

5. Do you nap a lot?
Only when the boy can help me fall asleep.

6. Who was the last person you hugged?
The boy. On Monday. I wouldn't let go so he dragged me to the front door.

7. What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
I guess I'd have to say hair products. It fits under the more general umbrella of my beauty products obsession/addiction, but is specific enough to stand on its own.

8. What was the last thing you ate today?
Spinach fettucine fungi.

9. What was the last text message you received?
My friend telling me that he's going to get meet TAPS, aka the Ghost Hunters.

10. What websites do you always visit when you go online?
Facebook, Gmail, Twitter, Cuteoverload, The Superficial, WWTDD.

11. What was the last thing you bought?
My dinner - see # 8 above.

12. What are you listening to right now?
I'm listening/watching to the Dollhouse.

13. What do you think about before you go to bed at night?
I try to remind myself to relax. Then I try and not worry about all the things that are going wrong and instead, focus on the things that are going right.

14. What was the last CD you bought?
I think it was the Flight of the Conchords CD.

15. What is your favourite weather, and why?
Mmmmmm... I really love the rain. It's comforting to me and reminds me of SF. I also love how it makes the city look so clean.

16. If you could play any musical instrument, which one would you play?
I already play many but if I could play a new one? I think I'd like to learn how to play the guitar. But don't tell my brother or the boy.

17. How are you?

18. What’s something you'd like to say to someone right now?
I would like to tell the evil partner that she can't ruin me and that in the end, I'll end up in a better place than her.

19. What's one of your favourite movies?
As always, I must bring up the City of Lost Children. Visual effects, check. Quirky story, check. French, check.

May 2012

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