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being a good mom
Aug. 9th, 2010 04:11 pmIt's no surprise that I want a child. I've made that pretty clear to everyone who knows me. My reasons for wanting to be a mother are a mix of intangible and tangible ones, just like any other reasonable person. But that's not why I'm writing today.
I'm writing because I want to let out are my fears about being a parent. You see, I recently was let in on a theory that is most likely true - that my father suffered from bipolar disorder. This has not only thrown some light on my past relationship choices but it's also made me question my own capability for normalcy.
While I feel as though I'm a much-improved version of my parents, and I realize that no matter our intent, we necessarily put our offspring through trials and tribulations, some traumatic, most not, I still can't help but worry about how I'm going to affect a child that hasn't even been born yet.
I think about the fact that I didn't have very many normal experiences growing up and that those feelings and memories pop into my subconscious and conscious layers on a fairly regular basis. I used to believe that my upbringing was a result of being Korean, or at the very least Asian, but now it's become clear that it was less a product of my ethnicity, and more the result of having the particular parents I did. And while I love(d) both of them so very much and they had the best intentions for the most part, it doesn't really make up for the way my childhood progressed. Not being able to have friends over, not knowing what kind of mood my parents would be in, the feeling of being dominated - these are all things I want to change in my own home.
I'm not sure how I can ensure that I will be a sufficiently improved version of my parents, but I'm hoping that by being self-aware, I at least have a fighting chance. By talking about it and relying on my husband to tell me when I'm not being rational, I want to believe that my children will grow up in a healthy and happy home.
I'm writing because I want to let out are my fears about being a parent. You see, I recently was let in on a theory that is most likely true - that my father suffered from bipolar disorder. This has not only thrown some light on my past relationship choices but it's also made me question my own capability for normalcy.
While I feel as though I'm a much-improved version of my parents, and I realize that no matter our intent, we necessarily put our offspring through trials and tribulations, some traumatic, most not, I still can't help but worry about how I'm going to affect a child that hasn't even been born yet.
I think about the fact that I didn't have very many normal experiences growing up and that those feelings and memories pop into my subconscious and conscious layers on a fairly regular basis. I used to believe that my upbringing was a result of being Korean, or at the very least Asian, but now it's become clear that it was less a product of my ethnicity, and more the result of having the particular parents I did. And while I love(d) both of them so very much and they had the best intentions for the most part, it doesn't really make up for the way my childhood progressed. Not being able to have friends over, not knowing what kind of mood my parents would be in, the feeling of being dominated - these are all things I want to change in my own home.
I'm not sure how I can ensure that I will be a sufficiently improved version of my parents, but I'm hoping that by being self-aware, I at least have a fighting chance. By talking about it and relying on my husband to tell me when I'm not being rational, I want to believe that my children will grow up in a healthy and happy home.
