fear

Jun. 17th, 2011 02:15 pm
adiva: (Default)
In these past few days, I've found myself doing a complete 180 on the things I thought I knew. I thought I knew I was going to be a teacher next year, but it turns out, my school had other plans. Or should I say, ex-school. I thought I would just use law as a way to fill time without actually making any money. However, it may now be the only way I can make any money in the near future. I thought I was going to just continue thinking about a food business with the plans of making it a reality 10 years from now. Nope, that's been moved up a bit, by something like 9 years.

What the hell is going on?

I wish I knew. And I wish I wasn't so scared about the future. You would think that with everything I've been through, I'd have some confidence, some esteem, some moxie for chrissakes. But no, I've got a constant knot in the pit of my stomach and a feeling that things may crash down around me at any moment.

But, it's kind of exciting too. I feel as though it's only through fear that I will accomplish anything. Never written a patent app before? No worries, I'll learn. Don't know how to market candies? That's okay. I can google. Doing my first big out-of-town craft fair to sell lip products that can melt in the Texas heat? Easy peasy - get some ice packs.

Fear can certainly be my undoing, but it can also be what saves me from another job where I'm misunderstood and treated like dirt.
adiva: (Default)
I went through a very important realization last week. After the last year and a half of crying and being emotionally scarred by my workplace, I have finally decided that I am over it.

What this means is that I am not going to worry about this job anymore. On top of that, I'm not going to worry about my future in law anymore. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

I've known for a while that this particular trajectory in my life was probably not the best one. At least, not with the way it played out. The difference is now, I think it's time I really accept it and think about moving on.

Any thoughts on what I should do in the alternative?
adiva: (Default)
I've had numerous breakdowns since my last post. Part of what makes it so difficult to get up every morning is that right now, I have very little to do at work. Sure, I have one assignment at the moment, due next Tuesday, but honestly, it'll probably take me about 4 hours to do.

So, in the meantime, I try to keep busy. I read up on legal news and organize my CLE credits. I read fun books for myself since I haven't been able to seriously do that in ages. I surf the net.

But isn't it funny how you let other things go when you have all the time in the world? I can't honestly tell you whether I've updated my change of address with everyone I should have (like my bar admissions and with the Department of Business for my corporation). I can't seem to write blog posts as often as I should. I have no idea when I'll ever get around to unpacking.

So, while some things change, other things ALWAYS stay the same.
adiva: (Default)
It appears that I'm not not going to keep my job for too much longer (I at least know I'll be there till the end of the summer, i.e., August). When that happens (or possibly shortly before/after), the boy and I will be moving to Texas.

*GASP*

I know. It's kind of big news. But we've been talking about it for some time and our recent trip to Austin has made it a very palatable choice for us. We're looking forward to a nicer life and more breathing room. But, that's not to say we won't return to NY at some point in the future. It's more that we just can't stay at the moment.

As my recruiter put it, "New York is dead."

What makes this whole situation even worse, worse than the horrible job market, and worse than the tension and stress associated with preparing to move -- the fact that my current job is telling me that I'm a bad lawyer. That I'm incompetent. Basically, that I'm illiterate and unable to form coherent thoughts.

I've spent the last week or so trying to build myself up from those comments. And even though I know they're not inherently true in any way, it still leaves me feeling like there's a gaping hole in my chest. Inexplicably, this gaping hole can still tighten up and make me feel like there's a rubber band stretched around my heart.

So, yeah. Texas.
adiva: (Default)
Days I want to leave this miserable job and existence behind. Days that I want to leave NYC and move to a place without stupid high-pressure law firms made up of ridiculous people who have forgotten how to enjoy life.

I think you can guess that today is one of those days.
adiva: (Default)
i finally did it. i started my own online business and it's up and running. www.lipglosseriestore.com if you're interested.

and now i'm getting more and more nervous. so far, i've had two orders and they've been from friends. i'm wondering if i should try and advertise somehow (probably free advertising is the right price point for me). i guess my problem is two-fold: 1) i don't have time to do a lot since i still do this lawyer thing, and 2) while my presence on the internet is good, i'm not really connected to that many people since my friends have various reasons for why they won't do twitter, facebook, etc. i guess there's a third reason in there too - i'm not that good at meeting people online and making friends with them.

all i can hope is that eventually people will start googling for things they want to buy and will end up on my site.

i would just love to make this thing a big part of my life, along with playing poker on the side, and be able to quit my job. or if i'm not financially able to do that, at least get a job like being a contract lawyer. sadly though, in this economy, those jobs are hard to come by as well. so i continue on like this, working at "the firm," keeping my head down, and hoping they don't try and fire me. at this point, my hours are ridiculously low and all i can hope is that a trial will help pull me out of it. or that they just take away my bonus and raise (which is pretty much what they've done to me twice now even though i made my hours) and still keep me on.

i'm not particularly sure what i should do.
adiva: (Default)
Still no interviews. And therefore no new job.

And I'm tired. Like really, deep down, bone tired. I mean, look at me, I'm posting at 2 in the morning. And I'm probably going to wake up around 8. And I'm sure tomorrow will be a repeat.

I'm basically doing 3 major things right now: working at the crap job I have now, trying to find a new job that isn't crap, and starting a side project (which I will elaborate upon if it works). Oh yeah, and keeping up relationships and such.

My list of things I try to accomplish everyday is daunting and I'm happy if I can get at least 2 or 3 things knocked off the list. I'm sure there are people out there that can do more. I guess I'm just not one of them. Especially because I like reading my Neil Gaiman novels and playing online poker whenever I get the chance. And I'm trying to work on finishing a game on my PSP. But that's going pretty damn slowly.

So sue me.
adiva: (Default)
Will work for cupcakes or books.
adiva: (Default)
Oh dear. It's back to work in two days. And I'm still looking for a new job. I've applied to 3 so far but because of the holidays, I haven't heard a thing in terms of interviews.

But, I did start something positive despite all the gloom. I have launched my own beauty blog. PM me if you want the link. :)
adiva: (Default)
The end of 2008 has been a mix of ups and downs for me.

Read more if you'd like a peek into the world of jinnyisms2 )

The Setup

Dec. 13th, 2008 10:13 am
adiva: (Default)
I am at a mental and emotional crossroads. My general well-being feels like it's on a roller coaster. One minute I'm fine, the next minute I've got tears rolling down my cheeks. And why?

As always, it's work.

I received my review this past week and let's just say it was not good. Which, to be honest, was really a surprise to me. I knew that the one person I have had problems with in the past would not give me anything less than a scathing review, but I was sure that over the past year, I had done enough work for others that it would balance my file out. It turns out, no.

I would love to give details but this is not the right forum for it, especially since I don't plan on locking the post. All I can say is that I feel that since the review, I've done some digging on my own and I've found out that I was lied to, and just in general treated in a most unfair manner. Hence, the title. I am being set up to be let go.

You know how they say, "the writing's on the wall?" Well, my writing appears to be in all caps, in bright neon pink. Kind of hard to miss it.

So where do I go from here? It's hard to say. Right now, as I've mentioned, I feel alternating waves of hopefulness and despair. Freedom and helplessness. Strength and weakness. I just hope that over time, it evens itself out.

I'm keeping myself open to all kinds of options. Perhaps it's time for a career change. Who knows? With the economy being what it is, it's really quite hard for me to feel altogether comfortable, but I guess it is what it is. As people say, it could always be worse. Unfortunately, that doesn't make me feel better while I'm going through this.

Before I begin a list of motivational cliches that are supposed to make me feel like in reality, this is a "blessing in disguise," I should really just end this post. Maybe at some point, I can look back and experience the always sought after catharsis one craves after trauma. I think I deserve it.

so skerred

Nov. 11th, 2008 05:25 pm
adiva: (Default)
there are a lot of layoffs going around. i am not a fan.

ouch

Sep. 29th, 2008 04:25 pm
adiva: (Default)
i've been saying that a lot lately.

too much working and not enough sleeping has made me even more clutzy than usual. an almost impossible task for sure, but something i apparently have accomplished nonetheless.

i am also quite certain that i have some kind of a cold. i don't necessarily have a constant running nose, but the sinus pressure pain stays with me no matter what i do.

and then there's the ever-present muscle tightness. the boy and i went out and got chinese back rubs last night and while they were absolutely what i needed and deserved, the effects are sadly short-lived and i'm kind of back where i was pre-back rub.

but i am losing weight. woo hoo.
adiva: (Default)
in approximately one hour, i am to have dinner with my two partners, another associate, our expert and the client. i learned this approximately two hours ago. i hope i don't 1) do anything stupid, or 2) eat too much.

i don't want to eat too much because in approximately four hours, my brother will be landing at jfk and we are supposed to have dinner together (with my bf in attendance as well). and besides that, i am trying to avoid becoming a gray whale roaming the halls of my firm, looking for beaches to throw myself upon. i'm not there yet but it's impending.

becoming a gray whale is a possibility because i've been working too much and sleeping too little. same old story as before. my metabolism is shot, i have no idea what day it is most of the time, and i think my apartment is starting to smell a little.

it seems like everyone is swamped at the moment. is it the financial crash or is just because it's mid-september? either way, it's not going to stop me from attending the ATP festival this weekend. i will be listening to slightly known, noise-producing, indie (but don't call them indie) bands all weekend. should be fun.
adiva: (Default)
I'm trying to take advantage of a newfound enthusiasm for working. I've decided I'm going to try to attain a certain level of combat bonus and so I need to work. Not a crazy amount, but a fairly large amount. Thank goodness I've got TV to keep me company. Currently, I'm watching the Omaha event of the World Series of Poker. And of course, there's the internets.

Sigh. It doesn't help that I've gotten invited to so many events lately. Paintball, friends' gigs, 2 weddings, 2 baby showers, a music festival, etc. Just thinking about it makes me... exhausted.

The rough times I referred to earlier have resolved themselves for the most part. A mental breakdown, a plea bargain and a possible breast tumor later, and nothing's great, but it is better. (I should clarify that these things did not all happen to the same person.)

My response to these issues? I bought a 360 elite. Yeah, I went for the electronics. I'm such a dork. I just bought the 60gb ps3, but now I've also got the 120gb 360. And I bought all these games. Which I can't play. Because I'm working so much. It's a vicious cycle. And I've been buying a lot of makeup too, which I've now justified in my head because I've found someone who's willing to take all the items that are the wrong color for me.

Me is a basket case. Me knows. Time for ice cream.
adiva: (Default)
life has been so busy lately that i feel out of breath. but in a good way i suppose. well, at least most of it.

i was in california last week. did 6 flights in 3 days. i don't recommend that to anyone. it's not fun. the air on planes smells funny and the bagels in first class suck.

i have a few friends going through some rough times and i'm not sure how i feel about it yet. part of me feels too tired to deal with other people's stresses, but another part of me can't help but worry for them.

meanwhile, work has picked up a lot but i'm still not motivated.
adiva: (Default)
i just got a call from a fellow associate telling me that i'm invited to have lunch with my two partners, the client, and an expert because they're doing deposition prep today (which i haven't been involved in at all). but i already made plans. and that's what i said. it didn't seem like such a big deal, but maybe it is?

***

alright, i just called the other associate and asked that he not tell them that i made other plans. he said he would just tell them that i was unavailable. whew. office politics.
adiva: (Default)
It's been an intense couple of weeks for me and the boy.

First off, we launched a website together. It's called www.concertoverload.com. I plead with each and every one of you that is my friend to check it out and spread the word. We're really trying to make a go of it and we need the internet traffic.

So far, out of about 120 emails I sent out, only 4 people have created accounts, and only 1 person has actually contributed to the site. It's a little frustrating to say the least. I most commonly get the response that either my friends are too old to go to concerts or they don't have any of their own pictures or videos to post. People: You don't need your own pictures to post. I've now posted hundreds of things, and not a single one of them are mine. You literally just have to search flickr or youtube, and find stuff to link to the site. Or enter concert dates. Or hell, just add the names of your favorite music artists.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, again, check out the site. :)

Also, work's been really busy so I'm just waiting for that to calm down so I can go back to promoting the site. (I'm sort of the informal P.R. person if you will.) That, and I actually have my own site that I hope to be launching soon. More details on that later...

The animals are fine though, and despite my lack of sleep of late, I'm still okay too. I think. But I do feel quite dehydrated. And that's without a lot of alcohol. It's all very confusing...

It's so scary when your to-do list of personal projects is just as long as your to-do list at work.
adiva: (Default)
sorry everyone. i'm finally starting to re-emerge from the work cave i was in for a few weeks. i'm not sure how i survived, but i did. and my new partners like me, so it's all good.

not a whole lot going on. flying out for 4th of july weekend to attend taste of chicago. i plan on eating alligator and all sorts of new things. and the weather looks like it might not suck while the boy and i are there, so that's a bonus.

as of today, i have 1,650 days left doing the job i do. then i'm out (at least that's the current plan). oh, i've also started a new countdown. this time, it's to the day that i move in with the boy. i have 248 days left for that deadline. (you think i'm crazy, but trust me, it helps me with my anxiety. don't ask why, i'm not sure i know anyway.)

alright, time to head home.
adiva: (Default)
it's officially over. my time on the atlantic abruptly came to an end on may 9. i stepped back onto land with a myriad of cuts and bruises (fell off a scooter in mexico) and a year older. but i also came back with good memories, a measly few pounds of excess weight, and the comforting companionship of the boy, who i'm still madly in love with.

returning to new york was equally emotional and cathartic. as usual, i breathed a sigh of relief when i saw that my beloved east village had not burned down. upon seeing my cats, i was overjoyed to find them healthy and not angry (although a bit too needy). the softness of my very own bed almost made me weep with joy. i felt truly blessed to have this life.

and then i went back to work.

it's kind of been all downhill since then.

now i've got a countdown going. i know i am being overly optimistic when i say i can remain a lawyer until december 31, 2012, but since when has that ever stopped me. after running the dates through a countdown calculator, i now have a number. and that number is 1,693. as in, 1,693 days. that, of course, includes all vacations, weekends, etc. still seems huge and daunting doesn't it? but still, it helps. if everyday, i can just knock off one more day, i think it may help me cope with being in a profession i have no passion for.
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