Still Thinking

On our bike ride this past Saturday, while crossing the Williamsburg Bridge, the boy and I had a particularly entertaining New York moment. We passed a man, who may or may not have been homeless, riding a unicycle. And not just a normal, run-of-the-mill unicycle, but a seriously tall, like 7 feet in the air, unicycle.

I wish we had our cameras on us at the time. It would've been priceless.

Two questions: 1) how did he get on the unicycle? and 2) how did he manage to pedal up the upwards part of the bridge? (The second question is really more out of pure envy since on a regular bike, I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack by the time I reach the mid-point of any bridge.)

How does that sentence make sense? Clearly something dead can't go faster. Can it?

You know what thought I had in my head when I woke up yesterday morning? That my arm fat could suffocate a man. This made the boy laugh jovially at me, but I was serious.

I am now very much convinced that it is my anti-anxiety medication that is making me fat. What to do? The boy forbade me from taking diet pills, even after much pleading on my part. And I refuse to buy a whole new set of work clothes. I would rather look a little "tight" in them. Well, the good news is that I won't be on the anxiety pills forever. The doctor just doesn't think that's a good idea. I guess I'm going to have to find new ways to cope with my issues. Hopefully, I won't go back to being the messy glob of human emotion I was before.

I should focus on good things. Like dinner tonight. I am taking the boy to churrascaria tonight for his birthday dinner. That means lots of meat on sticks for him and lots of vodka for me. I'd say that's an excellent trade-off. Plus, while waiting for dinner to come around (I'm leaving from work you see, since it makes no sense for me to go home), I took a little trip to Bergdorf's to do some more makeup shopping because I have no willpower. Did you know that even the receipts are nicer at Bergdorf's? They're made of some kind of heavy stock paper so that you still feel rich after handing them your money. I suppose it makes sense. If I'm going to drop my money into that particular bucket, I'd like something in return.

in approximately one hour, i am to have dinner with my two partners, another associate, our expert and the client. i learned this approximately two hours ago. i hope i don't 1) do anything stupid, or 2) eat too much.

i don't want to eat too much because in approximately four hours, my brother will be landing at jfk and we are supposed to have dinner together (with my bf in attendance as well). and besides that, i am trying to avoid becoming a gray whale roaming the halls of my firm, looking for beaches to throw myself upon. i'm not there yet but it's impending.

becoming a gray whale is a possibility because i've been working too much and sleeping too little. same old story as before. my metabolism is shot, i have no idea what day it is most of the time, and i think my apartment is starting to smell a little.

it seems like everyone is swamped at the moment. is it the financial crash or is just because it's mid-september? either way, it's not going to stop me from attending the ATP festival this weekend. i will be listening to slightly known, noise-producing, indie (but don't call them indie) bands all weekend. should be fun.

My new corn snake, Falcor, will be arriving on Tuesday. I am so utterly excited. :) I just know I'm going to fall in love the moment I see him. And then I'll just die, die, die from the love in my house between the cats, the hamster and the snake. And when the boy visits on the weekend, I may just explode from the overwhelming gravitational effect of the loving.

Ahem.

Anyways, I'm back from Chicago. It was a wonderful vacation. I am about 5 pounds heavier, but it was soooo worth it. I unfortunately, did not get to eat gator, but I did eat shark. I also had some excellent hot dogs at Hot Doug's. Mmmmm...

And, as usual, I'm even more in love with the boy. I'm not sure how that's possible, but it is. I demanded that he say something romantic to me before our vacation ended, and he came up with a good one: "I know I don't express it that often, but I am proud to have you as my girlfriend. I look at you and think 'Wow, that's [jinnyisms2]. And she's my girlfriend.'" Aaaaannnnhhhh...

I also took this opportunity to tell the boy about my first crazy bf. He took it well, but commented on how it was hard to believe that those things happened to me. Sigh. Yeah, it's hard for me too.

i just read an article about things you shouldn't say to As-Am's (like "Where are you from?" and "You speak English good.") and it reminded me of a funny story.

The boy and I bought bottled water to take on the cruise. It happened to be Fiji water. So, one day, we're sitting around with the boy's family and his aunt notices me drinking one of the bottled waters. She repeats the name to herself and then asks me... "Are you from there?"

I honestly didn't know what to say. My gut reaction was to be sarcastic because well, that's really one of the silliest questions I've gotten in a long time. So I tried to remind myself that she is from Florida and that I am trying to marry the boy. I just responded with "No" and left it at that.

I think the boy almost died from trying to keep the laughter inside. I hope the story gave you a laugh too.

(20 minutes left till my 3 day weekend.)

Yesterday, I adopted my very first hamster. I know it usually goes hamster first, larger mammals second (i.e., the cats). But I never do things the usual way.

First off, I already love my hamster. One night is all it took and I think he's the greatest. Second, I am not at my home right now and I just hope he's okay. Here's the deal. Obviously, the two kitties that co-habitate with the hamster are very curious about their new rodent friend. So I decided to put his cage on top of my dresser, which I am sure, for all purposes is not within reach of the felines. But, what if I'm wrong?! I really really hope not. I left them alone for 6 hours last night while at a party and returned to peacefulness. Well, not exactly total peacefulness as there was a lot of hamster wheel action going on at 2:30 in the morning. But now I've been gone for approximately 16.5 hours and I'm getting a little nervous (I'm at the boy's place).

Which leads me to third. So third, I am truly, sadly, pathetically in love with the boy. While he sits in the other room, withdrawing deeper and deeper into his coding cave (a personal project he's been working on for a while), I am content to sit in the other room and blog about my hamster rather than just go home to be with my hamster.

It's sick really. I should just go home. I'm not getting anything here. No attention, no lovin, nothing. But somehow, I still prefer to be here. I think I need meds. I think I need a glass of wine. I think I need a reality check.

Anyway, I will do my typical thing and just ignore my sick, pathetic mushy side and focus on the hamster instead. Of course, there will be pictures soon. He is a Syrian hamster (aka Teddy Bear). His name is Banzuke. He has a darkish brown/grey coloring in stripes where his head and shoulder area have the color and his abdomen down to his tail also have that color. His middle is a beautiful white. His fur is so soft and I can already tell he's going to be very personable. He gnawed for a moment on my finger, but not really in an aggressive way, I think he may have thought I was a tortilla chip (the last thing I ate). He's very inquisitive and has a lot of personality characteristics that remind me of the boy (who helped pick him out btw). For instance, he naps while in the middle of doing things and yawns all the time. He's also surprisingly calm for having his whole world being completely overturned yesterday. He doesn't turn down snacks although he's not a big eater either. And I can tell that he's complicated on the inside while deceivingly simple on the outside.

Yup, that's Banzuke for you. As I said, pictures to come.

Oooh, I also have picked out a name for my pastel motley corn snake that should be arriving in August. I've decided to name him Falcor, after the dragon from Neverending Story. I think their colorations will be similar, hence, the inspiration.

it's been a rough week for me emotionally. i've felt generally depressed, fat, unloved, and neglected. throw in some exhaustion and you've got a very unhappy j. i eventually sent the boy a "water me please" email telling him that i needed a little lovin. i got a call in less than 5 minutes. he's fantastic. i saw him last night too, which was really nice and reassuring. i especially need the reassuring part because people around me keep warning me that i may end up as a starter girlfriend.

if you're not familiar with this concept, it goes like this. i train the boy, he becomes grade A+ boyfriend material. i want him to commit, he balks and eventually leaves me. then, he meets someone else and is still grade A+ boyfriend material AND gets engaged almost immediately because suddenly he is ready. this train of thought frightens me more than anything else in the world right now. and i told him about it too. he told me he doesn't think i need to worry about it. that there would have to be some pretty major conflict for him to leave. i told him that of course he says that now, but there's no telling with the future.

i think i'm going to cry soon.

Vacation was excellent. Or as they say in Spanish, "excellente." The boy and I had a great time, even if it was pretty freaking cold. I reminded him again on Monday about how happy I was that he was a good traveling partner. And I meant it.

Something strange happened to me at work yesterday. I really don't know how I can explain it in words. I felt NOT DUMB. Sorry for the caps there, it's just that the impact of the statement still gets to me. Do you know how long it's been since I felt NOT DUMB? Too long, I tell you. Waaaayyy too long. And the people who made me feel not dumb? Partners! *Gasp!* I know. You think it's hard to understand? Imagine how I feel!

So of course, I drank way too much last night to sort of celebrate (that, and there was a going away thing for someone else who's leaving the firm). And now I'm just hoping that I get left alone. At least until tomorrow.

Man, a lot has happened over this past week. I barely know where to begin. I guess I'll try to start at the beginning.

Tuesday I find out that my ex is wanted for murder and robbery and hasn't been seen since Sunday. Obviously, there's a lot of phone calls and general concern. I was a bit worried he'd be coming my way but luckily, that was not the case.

Tuesday night I find out that the nightmare case I've been working on settled but I'm too worried about the earlier problem to really be happy about it.

Wednesday morning I tell my IT boy about the case settling but purposely don't tell him about the ex thing. This is especially true considering that just the Sunday before, I had assured him that my ex was "harmless." Obviously I was wrong. Later, I spend the day telling a few close friends at work about what's happened with my ex, but I still try to maintain an outer appearance of okayness as the team celebrates the settlement. And to be honest, I am glad that I don't have to go to Texas for a month and that I can go on my cruise with the boy, so it's not all feigned okayness. Some of it is real.

By Wednesday night, I decide that it's time to tell the IT boy what's going on. I tell him. I don't exactly get the reaction I am expecting and I am really hurt by it.

Thursday morning, I get an early phone call informing me that my ex has been picked up in the state nearby and that he is in their custody and that the detectives in my ex's original state have been notified. I am unbelievably relieved by this news.

Thursday night, I tell the IT boy that I'm upset. We have a very good conversation. He said he would definitely protect me from anything bad happening and realized that I had a right to be upset about how he handled things. It was a really cathartic conversation.

Friday, I find out that I have been reassigned to a completely different team. This is both extremely welcome news but also puts doubt on a small vacation I was planning to take later this month because the IT boy has vacation time that needs to be used by the end of March or he loses it. Hmmm... I will do my best to stand my ground on taking that vacation, especially since we were told that we should since the settlement happened, etc. At least for 3 days. I could even try working remotely if that's what they need me to do. We shall see.

So there it is. You're all caught up now. Crazy, right? But I'm happy, safe, and moving forward. I suppose that's all a person can ask for.

If you'd like details on the ex's crimes and a more in-depth chronology, or about anything else I've written here, feel free to shoot me an email.

I was very good and did not initiate contact with the boy this week. No calling, texting or emailing since I said goodbye to him Monday morning. I was prepared to not hear anything until Friday but he texted last night to see if I was coming over this week. I think I'll go over there tonight and talk to him about my aforementioned issues. I'm a wee bit nervous but I think I'll be okay.

Totally unrelated to that is something I'd like to share with you and only you... I know I'm a professional in NYC and all that, but I have something to say.

I actually don't really like Louis Vuitton.

I know, you can take away my lawyer badge, you can revoke my Asian status. I don't care. That stuff if ugly to me and I think I'm finally becoming mentally stable enough to admit it. Whew! I'm glad I got that off my chest.